Understanding Grief: A Compassionate Guide to Healing After Loss
Posted by Improving Lives Counseling Services, Inc. | Counseling, Depression
“Don’t cry for me, don’t shed a tear, the time I shared with you will always be.
And when I’m gone, please carry on, don’t cry for me.”
Lyrics from this song by CeCe Winans say what so many hear when they lose someone. Whether it be a spouse, partner, parent, child, or close friend, the loss is real, as is the change, and it can be disorienting. Refusing to move on can be just as traumatic as moving on too fast, or living in the variable “life goes on” bubble.”
EVERYONE GRIEVES
People grieve differently and at different times. Many grieve immediately surrounded by family and friends, while others grieve in private, months or even years, following a death. When, where, and how a person grieves can be influenced by religious beliefs, cultural practices, economic, environmental, and societal standings.
Not everyone cries. In many Asian and Muslim cultures, mourning is brief and tears are discouraged. In some Christian faiths, “crying is considered inappropriate because death is an act of God and not a cause for sadness.” Various indigenous people practice “death wailing” or keening, which is loud expressive crying in the home, at the funeral, or at the grave site of the deceased.
Whether chronic, exaggerated, masked, prolonged, or wrapped in guilt, anger, or relief, grief is complex. Improving Lives Counseling Services’ diverse team of counselors, therapists, and clinicians honors culture, religion, beliefs, and values while providing a strong support network. Through compassionate grief counseling sessions, they protect cherished memories and meaningful moments, as they guide clients through the various stages of grief.
Loneliness
Loneliness after a death can create a feeling of isolation and emptiness. You miss seeing the person, having conversations, going places and doing things together. Your spouse cared for the yard, now you have to; they did the shopping, now it’s your responsibility; they planned the meals, picked the wines, and scheduled date night – now it’s all you.
Loneliness can be especially hard on parents who have lost a child at any age. This type of loneliness often accompanies complicated grief, a type of bereavement characterized by profound feelings of separation, distress, and trauma. Symptoms of distress may include intrusive thoughts about the deceased, searching for them, yearning for them, or experiencing intense loneliness in their absence. This type of loneliness can lead to feelings of purposelessness, emotional numbness or detachment, and a sense that part of oneself has died. Parents who lose a child are particularly vulnerable to experiencing this kind of grief.
Creating Memorials
Creating an in-home memorial after the death of a loved one can be a healthy and meaningful way to process grief, honor their memory, and keep their presence close. However, its impact depends on individual coping styles and emotional well-being. It is not necessarily considered a “healthy” long-term strategy, as it can hinder the grieving process and prevent closure. (AI)
GRIEF AND THE BRAIN
Grief significantly impacts brain function, intensifying emotional responses. The hypothalamus and pituitary gland stimulate the release of cortisol, a stress hormone that can contribute to fatigue, anxiety, and sleep disturbances. Additionally, grief can impair cognitive processes, leading to memory deficits, decreased concentration, and heightened confusion. Additionally, grief disrupts the brain’s reward system, resulting in feelings of emptiness, depression, and a lack of motivation.
Prolonged grief has been shown to alter neural pathways, increasing susceptibility to clinical depression and anxiety disorders. Brain scans of individuals experiencing complicated grief reveal lasting changes in regions associated with emotional regulation and reward processing, making it more difficult to move forward.
Physical Effects
Chronic stress from grief weakens the immune system, leaving individuals more susceptible to illness. Moreover, prolonged exposure to stress hormones can heighten the risk of heart issues, including stress-induced cardiomyopathy.
ACCEPTING CHANGE
Grieving has always been seen as a way of moving on, yet “experts no longer talk of moving on, but instead see grief as a way of adapting to loss while forming a continuing bond with the lost loved one, essentially, learning to live with the new reality created by the loss.”
“The best way to move forward is to allow yourself to grieve completely, create a strong support network, adopt healthy coping strategies, and gradually welcome new experiences while cherishing the memories of your partner.” (AI)
Move Forward – Moving On
You quit your job, distanced yourself from friends, avoided family, and canceled your gym membership. You’ve stopped watching the same TV shows, cooking the same meals, and listening to the same music. It might seem like you’re moving on — but are you really?
If you’re spending all your time confined to one room, ignoring the mail, neglecting chores, or falling behind on bills, that’s not moving on. If getting out of bed feels like a challenge, and you’re skipping showers, staying in pajamas, avoiding housework because no one visits, and not cooking because it’s just for you, you’re not moving on.
Moving on is more than abandoning the television shows and music you shared with the deceased. Moving on means creating a new life filled with purpose and the things that matter to you. It’s about taking action and living by affirmations that come from within — affirmations that reflect who you are and who you want to become.
SUMMARY
Losing a spouse, parent, child, or close friend is a life-altering experience — be kind to yourself. Moving forward takes time, self-compassion, and support. Accept that grief is a process, and your emotions are valid. Routines will change and life will look different as you create a new normal centered around your needs. Expect shifts in physical health and mental well-being.
Rediscover personal interests and goals and work on building (or rebuilding) a social life. While friends may offer excessive comfort or unsolicited advice, and hearing “I’m sorry for your loss” may become tiresome, these moments won’t last forever. Schedule a medical check-up, and an in-person, or online individual, couples, family, or group, grief counseling session with an Improving Lives Counseling Services’ counselor or therapist.
Allow yourself to experience joy without guilt. With time, support, and self-care, you can find peace and meaning again while cherishing the love and memories shared with your loved one.
