Life After Loss: Coping with the Emotional Impact of Widowhood
Posted by Improving Lives Counseling Services, Inc. | Depression
There are many scenarios in which a man or woman may wake up one morning to discover they are widowed. For some, it comes slowly over a period of time, while for others, it happens suddenly and unexpectedly. Though many say separation or divorce can feel the same, whether one is very young or very old, widowhood is unlike any other life transition. Defined simply as “the state or period of being a widow or widower,” widowhood involves bereavement, mourning, and a major loss. Even when it is expected and comes slowly over time, the widow or widower wakes up to new responsibilities, new obligations, a significant change in livelihood, and an inherent loneliness. Improving Lives Counseling Services, Inc.’s diverse team of professional, licensed counselors, therapists, and clinicians help facilitate healing and understanding by assisting individuals in coping with the cognitive, emotional, social, and spiritual responses to the devastating loss and grief associated with becoming widowed.
OBLIGATIONS OR RESPONSIBILITIES
Some consider them obligations, while others refer to them as responsibilities — but in reality, they are both. The concept of widowhood involves becoming single again, prioritizing self-preservation, and providing food, shelter, clothing, and income to sustain one’s existence. Whether young with children, extended family to care for, older and living with family, or living alone, the widow or widower is solely responsible for making final decisions in all (or most) matters that contribute to their very existence.
Whether supported by family and friends or having planned for it over time, the day widowhood arrives can be terrifying. Whether a couple was intimately close, had grown apart, or had transitioned into a friendship, the loss is either deeply mourned or viewed as a final ascension. Once the services or celebrations of life are over and everyone returns home, new widows and widowers often find themselves alone, often for the first time in a very long time.
Finances and Income
A 2024 AARP survey found that “20% of adults ages 50+ have no retirement savings at all.” The National Council on Aging reported: “In 2022 more than 17 million adults age 65+ lived below the federal poverty line. Though the numbers vary greatly from website to website, the U.S. official Social Security Administration website reports “the estimated average monthly Social Security Retirement Benefit as of January 2025 is $1,976. And… in the 1980s companies in the United States phased out supported pensions in favor of employee voluntary contributions toward retirement – which 80% of low and lower middle class seniors withdrew for emergencies, or to live on long before retirement.
Today more than 25% of the 65 and over population live on social security alone, and half of the remaining receive 50% of their income from social security. For seniors 62 and over, becoming widowed triggers a major decrease in social security and pension benefits. This loss of income significantly impacts physiological, and psychological wellbeing. Chronic stress, social isolation, anxiety, and depression affect quality of life. Studies have shown increased cognitive decline, an inability to function (immobility), and an increased risk of dementia can all be associated with a drastic loss of income. Statistics show a relationship between low or recently reduced income and suicide.
Counselors, therapists, and clinicians cannot directly increase income; however, financially struggling widows and widowers can, through therapy, learn survival mechanisms, stress management, coping skills, and receive budgeting and financial resources to help them adjust to their new lifestyle.
New and Changed Responsibilities
He cut the grass, controlled the moles, sprayed around the house to protect from ants and rodents, cleaned the garage, washed and gassed up the car, fixed the garbage disposal, made sure there was internet, and took out the garbage. He paid the utilities from his phone, monitored the security camera late at night, turned down the heat, put batteries in the smoke detector, changed filters in the air conditioner, popped the popcorn, and watched movies he hated because he cared.
She cleaned when it wasn’t dirty, prepared his favorite foods, picked up behind him, reminded him when he didn’t need reminding, and kept him in appropriately stylish clothes. She planned and organized outings, helped manage the money, and purchased and organized all those things that turned a house into a home. She hosted family, entertained friends, cleaned, scrubbed, washed and ironed, while providing companionship, passionately loving, and supporting hopes and dreams.
Yes, roles have changed, but whether it was a “he or a she” who graciously accepted these responsibilities, widowhood means it’s changed, and a whirlwind of decisions must now be made. Do you take on the many tasks he or she performed, learn how, hire out, or let them go? And as you go through their clothes, and amass their collections, do you invite family and/or friends to help, or decide on your own what stays and what goes? Then there’s the bills that must be paid. Which ones can wait, what services will be discontinued, what luxuries can you learn to live without? Giving up things you “like” but don’t “need” can be more difficult than you think.
Technological Challenges
There are email accounts, media accounts, and payment apps to close, however fingerprints or Face ID was used on laptops, iPads, and cell phones. Without the necessary passwords, you can’t access systems, pay bills, or know where to turn. When you try calling, each number leads to an hour-long wait time — and no information is released because you don’t have the “PIN.” This level of frustration, combined with grief and loneliness, can cause feelings of inadequacy and loss, which in turn can prompt anxiety, chronic stress, and symptoms of depression. Extreme feelings of inadequacy or incapability can lead to shortness of breath, hyperventilating anxiety, heart palpitations, chronic migraines, chronic pain, bouts of crying, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicidality, and panic attacks.
Suddenly widowed by a spouse or partner living with you, or in an extended care facility can be hard – even if you’ve taken on most of these tasks already. Family and friends might be eager to help, yet their voices may be louder than your own causing further confusion, frustration, and unhappiness. Improving Lives Counseling Services’ team of diverse counselors, therapists, and clinicians, specialize in preparing you for the little things that lead to big changes for widows and widowers.
Do you cook for one, order in, or eat out; is cable, MAX, and Hulu a luxury or a must, and do you hire a handyman, or take lessons on YouTube. Some widowed will head to the bank the day after, while others linger until collectors are calling and shutoff notices fill the mailbox.
IMPENDING WIDOWHOOD – THE END-OF-LIFE CAREGIVER
As an end-of-life caregiver responsible for providing comfort, administering medication, performing practical tasks, and addressing emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, the prospect of widowhood may be something anticipated daily or reluctant to accept. In many cultures, end-of-life caregiving is the responsibility of the pending widow, or widower, and celebrated within the home, while in others, a hospital, nursing home, or care facility is preferred. As an end-of-life caregiver to a spouse, partner, or loved one, the awareness that widowhood could occur at any time, can trigger anxiety and stress – particularly if he or she expresses a desire to make amends, exhibits high emotional demands, or insists on being surrounded by family and friends.
End of life caregivers to family members may experience feelings of relief, or a sense of uncertainty and loss regarding their role. Feeling sad, lonely, or even angry is normal, however, research indicates that the full recognition, and acceptance of widowhood, along with the associated obligations and responsibilities often unfolds in the months following the event. Grief counseling, throughout the process, particularly for family caregivers providing in-home care, can lessen the emotional processing of loss. Through therapeutic support end-of-life caregivers can learn to accept the grief, the change in lifestyle, widowhood – and begin the process of rebuilding their lives.
SUMMARY
Young couples who are deeply in love, and senior couples who have spent 30-40 years together, face the same challenges when confronted with the loss of a spouse, partner, or loved one. Transitioning into widowhood is a major life change with a long list of responsibilities and obligations. Many create an emotional barrier to protect themselves from the negative emotions of widowhood as they grieve and mourn with family and friends. For them, new responsibilities and obligations are an afterthought until the services or celebrations of life are over and they have time to process being alone. Even widows and widowers with children to care for, will escape to a quiet place to ponder their new life, and the loss of intimacy, companionship, comradery, and, for many, a best friend.
Having advance directives, POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) care planning, or MOLST (Medical Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) can make transitioning decisions easier. Having family, close friends, neighbors, church, and clergy can make decisions on services easier. Yet, no one and nothing can fill the empty feeling, the sadness, loneliness, fear, and, for some, anger and feelings of abandonment widowhood introduces.
Widowhood is a major life change and preparing for it is a necessity. The healthiest, happiest relationship can come to a crashing end without notice. Improving Lives Counseling Services’ team of diverse counselors, therapists, and clinicians are here to help. Protecting mental health and well-being is just as important as the annual physical, ear, or eye exam. Stress, anxiety, and symptoms of depression can be avoided if you are mentally protected from the big changes, and emotionally prepared the small ones.
Improving Lives Counseling Services Inc., offers individual, couples, family, and group, in-person, and online sessions for children, adolescents, teens, adults, and seniors. Call us to learn more.
