Dealing With Family During the Holidays While Maintaining Your Peace
Posted by Improving Lives Counseling Services, Inc. | Family Counseling
The holiday season means time with family, but we understand these gatherings aren’t always full of sugar, spice, and everything nice. While a cliche, having the in-laws over and dealing with unwanted conversations is a common occurrence, but we’re here to help! We’ve compiled the best advice from experts all over the country to help you have the best holiday season possible. Whether you’re hosting Thanksgiving at your rental home in Sammamish, WA, are celebrating a night of Hannukah at your apartment in Cincinnati, OH, or having Christmas day in your Waldorf, MD home, we hope these tips help you to keep these festivities well, festive.
Acceptance
Election year or not, difficult topics and tensions can arise throughout the holidays. Our first recommendation to dealing with family over the holidays is to accept that differing opinions and unwanted comments are likely to present themselves.
“Family dynamics often bring up old patterns, and while we may hope things will go smoothly, that’s not always the reality,” says Colorado Therapy Collective therapist Sara Haynes. Although it is possible for conflict not to happen, it’s highly likely it will, so it’s better to be prepared. “Acknowledging this can be painful, often bringing up grief or difficult emotions, [but] show compassion toward yourself by creating space for these feelings, whether through journaling or talking with a therapist,” suggests Sara.
“Now, more than ever, it’s important to recognize that things are more polarized and sensitive, and we should be mindful of this during family gatherings,” adds Malaty Therapy’s Tammer Malaty, MS LPC-S. While it’s nice to believe that “You’ll never discuss these [polarizing] topics, [instead] try to approach them with flexibility, acknowledging that [these opinions] are part of many people’s lives,” continues Tammer. Recognizing this and practicing self-care is essential to get through these difficult and unwanted conversations to “avoid feeling drained and needing to recover once the holidays are over.”
Manage expectations
Once you’ve come to terms with the potential difficulties of the gathering, prepare by managing your expectations.
Start by “ask[ing] yourself if these are relationships you want to keep investing in long-term,” recommends Atlanta Therapy Wellness’ executive officer Britni Brown, LCSW. “If the answer is ‘yes’, managing your expectations will be your best friend for staying sane,” says Britni.
“If your guests have a history of exhibiting difficult behavior, don’t go into this holiday with the expectation that they will suddenly be different,” says Stacy Pellettieri of Right Path Counseling and Long Island Counseling Services. Instead, “Know who your guests are and set your expectations accordingly to manage your disappointment and frustration,” suggests Stacy.
Establish clear boundaries
Setting boundaries is a great way to not only prioritize your mental health, but also maintain healthy relationships with your loved ones.
Inclusive Counseling’s clinical director Laura Baker tells us to “prioritize your mental health and safety above societal expectations of family gatherings [and] protect your peace during the holidays by establishing clear boundaries [and] communicating assertively.” Although it can be difficult, setting boundaries allows you to protect yourself as well as foster mutual respect.
While it’s important to set boundaries with others, “learning to set boundaries with yourself is just as important,” says Thrive Counseling’s Jessica Taylor, LPC. After all, “You can’t pour from an empty cup. So as you start making plans and buying gifts, make sure that you are not saying ‘yes’ to more than you can handle,” reminds Jessica.
“Try to focus on yourself and what you need; for example, you may need to take time for yourself to recharge after taxing conversations and interactions. It’s normal to feel bad about prioritizing yourself, especially if you’re not used to it, but try to feel guilty while giving yourself this time and space.” Remember and trust in that fact that “You will be much more enjoyable to be around if you are taking care of yourself,” says Jessica.
Have a plan for dealing with family when conflicts arise
Acceptance, expectation management, and boundary setting make a great foundation, but what if tensions arise so much that you don’t know what to do? It’s a great idea to make a plan and have coping mechanisms in your toolkit in case things escalate.
Set intentions
Start the gathering on a good note by setting and deciding on a personal intention. “This simple mental shift can reduce the urge to rely on alcohol as a social or stress-management tool, helping you stay grounded,” says Denver Men’s Therapy’s Stephen Rodgers, LCSW. Your intention “could be something like ‘stay present,’ ‘find joy in the small moments,’ or focus on connection, not perfection,’” for example. Throughout the gathering make sure to “take brief moments to check in with yourself: notice your emotions, physical sensations, overall comfort, [and remind yourself of your intention]”, recommends Stephen.
